13 weeks for me, Felony DUI, drove off the side of a bridge while my cunt fiance was bitching about something I had said while simultaneously getting us another round from the cooler in the back seat. Obviously in my vigorous defense I forgot to pay attention to the road, and this particular bridge didn't have guardrails. A couple funny details go with it though.
We landed over 50 feet down the ravine with the wheels down and the front of the car in Chamberlain Creek, which thankfully wasn't running very deep at that time in the summer or we would've drowned. The only people who heard the crash at the end were convicts themselves, assigned to a chain gang that we use in this county to manage the state forests. They put their arms around my shoulders and helped me walk myself all the way back up to road level, and apparently I gave the one who helped me the most my watch, with the warden's permission.
Upon reaching the road level I see my fiancee is doing just fine, but is having a fit over her broken nose. I had to share an ambulance with her on the way to the Medivac chopper's landing site. Listening to her flip out was easily more traumatic than the accident, which I still don't remember. The flew me to the trauma center, cut off my clothes to examine me, and then handed me over to the cops while butt ass naked. I still blew .11 on the Breathalyzer almost four hours after the accident.
I got out on bail for a few weeks and she didn't seem too upset, but she turned on me while I did my stretch. I got out and when I couldn't instantly cough up $20k for cosmetic surgery to "make her nose better" she dumped me and had her uncle sue me for $45k. I settled with the help of my insurance company and will never trust a woman who isn't my mother after that experience.
Jail itself wasn't horrible; I brushed my teeth like 20 times a day, helped a couple guys with grievances and G.E.D. class, and worked in the bakery. The food was by far the worst part, but since I was in the kitchen all day I got to snack on the food before it was turned to crap. On the night before my release, I dumped two boxes of powdered soap down the floor sump and was told by other guys who got out later that the suds filled the bakery and shut down the mess for two whole days.
One of the most interesting things for me about it was how different everyone's perspective was inside. In the outside world, people look at you askance if you like to hide things in your rectum. But in the joint, being comfortable with things in your backside is totally gangster, people get props for smuggling new and unusual items inside using their ass. In many ways, I felt like I was with my tribe. I was very happy to only do 13 weeks though, I had mentally prepared myself to do the whole 7 month sentence. While I would never willingly go through incarceration again, I do feel like it made me a man in many ways.
