Casper, I've realized that I am a potential top end rock and roll singer down the line which SO many people tried to tell me, but every time I drifted off too far into substance abuse problems to not penetrate it up because I know how stuff like how the Kings of Leon got started - by locking themselves in their basement, drinking, doing drugs, throwing a bunch of bottles etc. at eachother, then righting Holler Roller Novacaine and getting signed. Do I want to try to do that right now in my heart? Sure. But I can't do that. I could end up in some bad places I've been and that's not happening yet. It has do be done right - a studio (I have a place for that), a band.
But you can't have your putting without eating your meat, as they say. My company has many people doing both very, very well. Why can't I? Failure here is absolutely ridiculous and inexcusable with how much I want it and how much I owe to people who did awesome things for me even when I was a total penetrate up. 1st installment to IAG has been paid and she's getting paid in full with LOTS of interest, btw (which she doesn't want, but I'm doing it anyway lol). Nobody bother her though, please. I just wanted to note that I'm doing the right thing there, making it more than right.
So for me? Maybe I can have a few at the end of the night to wind down after focusing on getting my shit together with money, which there's nothing wrong with. Been doing a lot of thinking lately about life, etc. which is what people going through intense times too and is money greed, which is a sin? Sure. But in my opinion ONLY if you're an asshole about the way you pursue it (and I decided I don't believe in revenge, so I take my mind away from them and bring it right back to a fan of what I could be). I was a state champion volleyball captain for a Roman Catholic volleyball team - not even close to the best player - don't know why they chose me to be captain, lol - that's something that requires more thought.
So money = fixing past mistakes = freedom to come through for the many people who have come through for - all of the family, friends, and fans.
I'm sorry about posting that on both forums. I owe both loyalty.
That was a lot at once and it's only coffee and pseu-ephedrine, wtf?
Much love, for life.
Casp, this is a money push as some in the poker community say. You play as hard as you can in the shortest period of time possible to win as much money possible. I fucked that up then 6 beers turned into 200 because I was covering Beck on the street, lol. I can't hit the street again because when you're 45 years old and you were an ok volleyball player, it hurts your back too much and you can't get any sleep because people might steal from you, kill you, or both. Made a bunch of potential fans that way though, deeply cool ones.
Also, you can do that in poker. You can't do that in the professional community, so have to chill things out and keep my shit together.
You can't have your pudding without your meat. How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?
Someone who knows much more than me said to hire a psychologist - I say no. Because this?
This is Rock and roll, stand up comedy, writing, poetry - (wrote one of those in college that made everyone just sit silently including the teacher) for like 2 minutes as hobbies.
But it's career and rock and roll.
Phew, lol. Ty for reading.
