I'll share now actually, since I received my first commission today. Now I know everything I am doing is real, it always was, but you guys know my paranoia and all that.
Crew, I have launched a recruiting business (just me), and it is on it's way to being successful, very early stages. It is a remote position with an affiliate and I have an incredible team of managers to work with, and thank all things that are the great and might Holy Spirit (which I have finally found) for giving me the strength to make this transition.
I respect the absolute heck out of the poker community too, but it's not me - and I do write this with literal tears of love - it's true. I have really found myself lately and still have some demons kicking around up there that will be resolved soon enough. I am so thankful for the poker community as well. So many people, so supportive when I showed up at the absolute worst of times. Always respectful, always. Sugar, Jack. I love them so, so much - and anything I could ever do for any of them I absolutely always would - except play. Thank you so much Dougie for the vapes when you knew I needed them and could go broke. Thank you to all the wonderful dealers. The 35 hands per hour girl at sug - yes - the Matrix you absolutely are, it's true. Anna Banana (lol). A few funny as fok male dealers - Pedialyte, what? Yep - needed that at that time. Wait - who got slutshamed? No one got slutshamed, lol. Thank you Russ for always trying to help me evolve as a player - and many others too. Paul for the handshake on the way out, when we both knew I wasn't ready to do this yet. That one female dealer that when I said I was going to be a recruiting manager on the way out (which was unintentionally dishonest because I was so sad about leaving and REALLY needed alcohol) said "a recruiting WHAT"? How did you catch that that quickly? That one dude at that table that gave me the sad "alright" when I said I was leaving. I saved face at the time but I'll have you know that that made me literally burst out crying (sober) because I just love you guys so, so much. I wept about leaving Jack as well because the feeling is true there as well. Neagranu, Polk - of course I don't know you, but you're both incredible - Doug I cannot believe I actually got to see you live. Neeme, Owen - both awesome for the game and cool as heck. The list goes on and on. My ex poker Coach and life Coach. Dude I'm so sorry to you and your family and thank you for everything. You literally saved my life and I'm just so glad that nothing went worse than it did because I was a piece of shit. Sug security for kicking me out when I was blotto and ready to spew money I needed everywhere, and to the street people that kept me from getting robbed or worse. Don't forget that I owe you and I am going to do something for you when I have the pockets to do it. Dude in Philly who gave me that Lyft ride when I REALLY needed it. That restaurant in that area for treating me like a guitar hero when I sucked. Yes, I am going to come back there at some point and I am going to be good as fok. Dude I spoke to about his big hand with Moneymaker. That was so, so cool. Mark Ari - the most fundamentally sound coach. If you want to be a good 1/2 or 2/5 player - you should probably look him up. The incredible couple of female dealers at both rooms that knew things were bad for me and gave me the emotional support to get the money I literally needed to not end up in a shelter - yeah, I won't forget that. That lady that tried to get me to play at the bar so I could play socially with females - I really should have done that but the way things ended up I guess it's best I didn't. Thank you to the floors at both when I came in in the most ridiculous clothes and coats etc. Everyone was always respectful and I really didn't deserve it. Every time I snapped at someone at the table I apologize for from my heart. I was always going through some stuff - be it deep alcoholism, worried about a place to live, worried about a job, etc. etc.
The thing for me is, I live to help people - never ever hurt them in any way. If I win one hand against what I see as a nice person I actually can't deal with seeing the sad look on their face as they respectfully say "nice hand, good game" - because that's what you do. Sure I'll freeroll sometimes as a hobby and talk stuff with people because I do still find it fun, and anyone that I feel I can teach I would love to help you help yourself, get by, or whatever you want to talk about, but only during non working hours, which for me - until I get this thing fully rolling along the way it needs to be - are ridiculous, but I do have the strength to do it. Almost every time I won recently I would binge drink and cry my brains out because I felt like a jerk. Not everyone is like me and that's cool.
Everyone - and I mean EVERYONE I owe ANYTHING to I am going to get you caught up as soon as I possibly can - you are more of a priority than high end settings for me.
All of the musicians that gave me the energy I needed to get through. that. Now they give me the energy to help people. We'll get back to that and them.
That which doesn't kill DOES make you stronger. It's true - but in my case - then you're 43 and try plyometrics in a motel room - don't forget that you're in bare feet - idiot. Yes, I dry out NOW. COMPLETELY. I had already weened down to a sixer every night or so, and it is a mindfuck but it is 100% necessary for this
So, with recruiting - I get to help people in all facets. More home time with the family. More money to buy more food. A safer job. Better people to work with and four - I have 14 carriers across the United States that I do business with and if one of them has a job for someone that I talk to that improves their life, they're going to get that job.
It's heartwarming for me. I cannot see people sad, I need to see them happy and for people to be good to each other - and that's the way I live my life now - everyone single one of the Roman Catholic Commandments I will follow every single day. The one for me in the past was dishonesty - but it was only because I was a desperate man in desperate times - because I was on the wrong path.
Like I said, the few we have here anymore have done everything they could to make me not the man I am today (which is better than the man I was - again thank God) - and the man I will be. I'm just very humbled and thankful to have literally a second life as you all know to do good for this world instead of being a lost dickbag.
I will NOT fuck this up, you all have my word - thanks for all.