i wasn't upset with chris at all. he cares. that's nice.
it's not as bad as i make it sound - i guess. i'm just partying a lot, but also working a lot on job searching and grad school applications. in my first post, that was deleted i had put that i'm averaging 10 recruiter calls, 3-5 interview calls and 1 in person interview per week. Plus today I submitted my first of 4 grad school apps.
On Friday I had some gay guys over to my apt after going gay clubbing and now i can't find my anti-depressents. I think this one dude who was here, who was a hanger on, not one of the main friends, stole them. I asked my friends and none of them really knew/now him. Fok.
I have no idea what is going on with chris. In my mind things are great despite the distance, or well, WITH the distance, as far as open honest caring goes. but I have that feeling I always get before he pulls away hard core.
I would move forward with life here but what it comes down to is that i have no idea where the fuck my life is headed. I don't know if i'm going back to nyc, staying here, getting a job, going to grad school, having to get some lame job b/c i cant get a good job, i have no idea. and that is such a fucking overwhelming feeling that I'm having trouble coping. I'm doing what I have to do, grad school apps, job apps, etc. But fok.
I'm taking a break from dating b/c every guy here only wants to fuck, and is totally upfront about that. I don't want that. I haven't had sex since chris in nyc. (btw i didnt sleep with the small penis dude - we were making out and he couldn't get hard so it ended before it even started.
I don't want to just hook up. I want something more, but not a relationship. I had a guy here but i had to cut him off b/c he wanted a relationship, and he was a total pot head. a big dick and rough sex is not worth putting up with a broke-ass loss puppy pot head who gets stoned and texts me all the f'in time. also he lives a car-ride away (not transit) by like 30 min out of the city. no dice.
that is the latest by cali.
more stories later this week i'm sure.