Man, I could go on for days. I'll start at the beginning and go in order....for the most part....some of the timelines are blurry now.
When I was about 16 a kid from my neighborhood a year older than me hung himself. He found his ex in bed with his best friend, went in the boiler room and did it. His other best friend found him. This kid was liked by everyone, but I don't think he knew it. I remember thinking that if he could have seen the line of people around the block waiting to get into his wake, he may have reconsidered. And I know I should do this, but I was supposed to bring the friend's ex to the party that night. I wimped out because I had drama with some girls and wasn't in the mood for a fight. For long time I wondered if SHE would have been in bed with the friend if I had just brought her to the party. Maybe this never would have happened.
A few years later, my best friend's sister's boyfriend killed himself via overdose. Yes, it was a suicide. He knew how much heroin to take and how much would kill him. He had been clean for a while, then broke his leg and had to go on pain meds. Then he became so depressed about being stuck in the house that he ended it. They had an baby girl. I think she was still under a year.
Few years after that, a good friend's little sister took her own life because her boyfriend left her. I believe it was a hanging. She, too, had an infant. She was only 19. I can't remember the details, but I believe she sent a note to the boyfriend telling him it was his fault and she hoped he was happy. Sickening. No 19 year old kid should have to live with that.
Just after New Year's 2003, I got in a fight with my mother. She was living with me and I was doing everything I could to support both of us on $20K a year. We got to fighting a lot. My mom has always had mental problems. She had a doctor that kept giving her new meds. She would be on one for a few days, tell him it wasn't working and he would just call in another for her. Anyone who knows ANYTHING about anti depressants knows how wrong that is on so many levels. So, we got in a fight one morning. I could hear her stomping around the house while I was getting my laundry together, but thought nothing of it. Turns out she was going back and forth to the bathroom filling up a little cup with water so she could take her pills...all of them...anti-depressants....tranquilizers...sleeping pills... everything but her estrogen. There were at least 15 bottles of pills. Not knowing any of this, I figured I would go to my Dad's and cool off for a while. I will never understand what force intervened, but when I got to my dad's house, he was leaving so I turned around and went home. There were ambulances on my street by the time I got back. Turns out Mom had called my sister and told her that she wanted to be cremated. My sister could tell something was wrong, so she called 911. Mom told her that if she heard sirens, she was going to slit her throat. So, when I arrived home, the EMTs were all standing around because they thought she was armed. They were asking me questions when I just shoved one of them (knocked him down too, he had to be at least twice my size) and ran in the house. By the time I got to the bathroom, Mom was raking the razor blade across her neck and mumbling to herself. I grabbed her wrist and kept it away from her neck long enough for the EMTs to catch up with me. They had to carry her by her hands and feet because she was fighting and laughing at them saying: "You'll never be able to save me! I made sure of that!!" She was dead when she arrived at the hospital. Miraculously, they got her heart beating again and after a week in a coma (with little hope according to the doctors), she finally woke up.
So yeah, the Ken thing really hit me hard. I don't know exactly what his family is going though, but for a while there, I knew what it felt like to lose a parent that way. They are supposed to protect us...to love us...to always be there for us. The pain of knowing your PARENT felt so desperate that they are willing to leave you with all those questions is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. Had she died, I know I would be blaming myself. She had been planning it for months, but I wouldn't have known that. I just would have known that I got in a fight with my mom and she killed herself. I may never fully forgive her for what she did, and she understands that. What she tried to do was beyond selfish. Her sister had died of cancer several months before that. That woman could have given up so many times. She went through every painful treatment and surgery she could, just to stay with her 9 year old son a little longer....and my mom was just going to piss it away...just leave me, my sister, my brother and all of her grandkids. Fucking selfish.
