New joke thread

[gamelivemcid]

 

[xpansive]

How do you turn a moderate into a conservative?

Get them to go on twitter

 

[superconductor]

How many Bipolar People does it take to change a light-bulb?

It depends on what mood they’re in.

 

[superconductor]

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Suddenly he hears someone say, "Hey, nice tie!" The man looks up to try to find out who said it, but no one was around.

"Hey! Nice shirt!" The man looks up again, but there's nobody there.

"Hey! Nice suit!" The man then calls the bartender over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.

The bartender replies, "It's not me; it's the complimentary peanuts."

 

[superconductor]

 

[superconductor]

Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline!

If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly, being certain to touch the table and counting to 10 between each press.
If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship. ??If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are Manic-Depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press since no one will answer.
If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

 

[Matty]

Q. How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. That's not funny.

 

[Matty]

The past, present and future walked into a bar.

It was a tense situation.