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Ask Gamelive - big raccoon sleeping under the deck.

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Matty

Matty

0-fers Will Happen™
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What do I do to it? Poke? Water? Noise? Leave it alone?
 
I read a good op ed from a raccoon once. I like the part about fighting all the crude stereotypes.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/come-on-just-open-the-door-and-let-me-in-this-once,30359/


Come On, Just Open The Door And Let Me In This Once

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COMMENTARY Opinion ISSUE 4846 Nov 13, 2012
By A Raccoon

"Hey, you! You in the window with the coffee and the flannel sweater! I see you in there, all cozy in your big warm house. Its been pretty cold out here lately, what with fall turning into winter and everything, so hows about maybe opening the front door a crack, just this once, and letting me in? Cmon, man. Help a raccoon out?

Come on, I wont make a big mess. Look at my face! Its like Ive got a little bandit mask on. How adorable is that? And Im sitting here on my hind legs asking politely. What kind of raccoon does that? One youd want to let inside your house, thats who.

Honestly, whats the worst that could happen? Ill just come on in, run around a little bit, rustle through your garbage. No biggie. Maybe Ill check out your cabinets. You guys dont have any food in there, do you? Not that Im obsessed with food or anything, so no worries either way.

See how my paws look like tiny little hands? Im absolutely precious. Just let me in.

Listen, I know why youre still keeping the door closed, okay? I get it. Its light out, and youve been told that when you see a raccoon in the daytime, it usually has rabies. Let me assure you thats nothing more than a crude stereotype. Sure, I have a touch of rabies, but who doesnt? Im not foaming at the mouth or anything weird like that. And admit it, if I bit you it might even be kinda cutemy teeny mouth teething playfully at your wrist.

Not that Id ever bite you. Okay, maybe Id bite you. Would it be a total deal-breaker if I bit you? You know what, forget I ever mentioned the whole rabies, biting thing."

http://www.theonion.com/articles/you-follow-one-kid-home-rip-out-his-eyes-and-all-t,11491/

You Follow One Kid Home, Rip Out His Eyes And All The Sudden You're A 'Killer' Squirrel

COMMENTARY Opinion Animals ISSUE 4536 Sep 3, 2009
By Danny The Squirrel

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I'm a happy-go-lucky squirrel who loves living the good life of climbing trees and eating nuts. Mostly eating nuts. Man! I can't get enough of them. So tasty. But let's make one thing clear, right here and now: I have never killed anyone.

Look at me! I'm a squirrel, for crying out loud. How am I going to kill a human being? Even if I wanted to, it would be impossible. "Killer Squirrel?" Please. It's just a cruel name made up by lazy journalists who want to move papers.

The truth is that the "attack" in question was merely the result of an unfortunate misunderstanding between myself and a young boy with a bag of peanuts, who remains alive and well to this day. Does he have both eyes? No. Is he blind? Absolutely not! They were able to surgically re-insert the left eye, and he has about 40 percent of his sight in the right one.

I concede I had his route home memorized, but I wasn't following him, per se. I was following the bag of peanuts he bought at the corner store, just like he does every afternoon around 3:30. Before you judge, let me remind you that there are plenty of people who spy on kids for their own reasons, and, like myself, the vast majority of them are not child murderers.

I blame the mainstream media for blowing this whole incident out of proportion. Did they report on all the kids I followed home that I didn't attack? Of course not. They just rush to be the first to demonize a poor innocent squirrel who just couldn't stand to see a naughty little boy spill a bunch of yummy nuts.

In fact, none of the published accounts were even remotely accurate. They referred to me as "rabid and bloodthirsty." That is denigrating on so many levels. I am absolutely not rabid. Yes, I had a little mange earlier this year, but it cleared right up. And I may be nut-hungry, but that's a far cry from bloodthirsty. These labels are slander and libel, and frankly, they hurt. If I had a minute alone with one of these no-good "reporters," and could wrap my yellow teeth around one their eyeballs, believe me, I'd do it.

You think I'm crazy? Maybe I'm crazy for nuts, but that's all. I am what I amI am what society made me. We all have our flaws. I love nuts, maybe too much. But I ask: Is that a crime?
 
Blitty
MF- can you take a break from betting soon, brah? We need to finally arrange some kind of wild trip.

I might do Bonnaroo next weekend. Short notice on that, but let's seriously consider something this summer. :pope:
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Sounds good, man. Sometime in July or August I'd be down. It's already getting filthy hot here.

Wouldn't mind hitting up NYC even...
 
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