CASPERWAIT$
Drama Moobs Your Mom
- Since
- Aug 3, 2010
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Yesterday I was driving to Walmart with a female friend (no I didn't get any) and we noticed that EVERY handicapped parking spot was full with cars worth $60,000 and more. This got me thinking as we pulled into a parking spot in a 1997 Dodge Dakota. What the hell is up with these cripples? What are they doing for work that affords them all these riches? As a newly unemployed man I began to think why being a cripple (or retard) would not be such a bad thing.
10.( People in wheelchairs NEVER have to iron their pants) I know the common man may spend 5 minutes a day ironing. Well muliply that over a year and you have an extra 30 hours of free time!! You know how much more porn I can download in that time!! Plus in a wheelchair, I don't have to worry about finding a place to sit down to downoad said porn.
9. (Special Olympics ROCK) Every 4 years we have to suffer through the boredom of curling, water polo, synchronized swimming, and Russians jacked on roids. The Special Olympics are actually FUN!! When they fall down, they get right the back F**K up!!!Last years event, I saw one tard hit the pavement at such a velocity his retainer flew out of his mouth and landed in a nearby bush. The kid got up, dusted off his sagging jogging shorts, and went back to Olympic business as if just got out of his racecar bed for the morning!! One thing about those athletes is they have an AMAZING tolerancy for pain!! You ever punch a cripple or slow person? I have and let me tell you, they feel NOTHING!! They are more tolerant of pain than anyone that has dated Jessca Simpson for more than a month!!
8. (Retards and Cripples RULE the dance floor) You may be thinking "Chris, cripples don't dance." you can't be more wrong. The cripples with the crutches and the ones in the chairs not only dance with a ferocity matched only by Ivan Drago in Rocky 4, but they OWN it out there!! You ever try to cut in on a cripple dancing? NEGATIVE!! You ever see a cripple dancing alone? NEVER!! They have their own freaking posse when they dance. Every time a cripple or tard hits the dance floor it becomes a dancing montage from an 80's teen movie!! If I ever have kids, I want them to take a cripple or tard to the prom. They will have memories that will last a lifetime.
7. (They have the best bathrooms) So I was relieving myself at a "Jack In The Box" last week after 5 burgers and I realized that the bathroom stall was the size of a NYC studio. As I was doing the doo, my kness were literally against my nipples, I had such little room. Some cripple next to me in the handicap stall was reading the paper, playing Wi, and watching a Michael Vick sanctioned dogfight in his. Dude, REALLY? Just cause I have feeling in both my legs, I need to lose them when I am taking a dump?!
6.( They have cool bumper stickers and flags on their "legs") Cripples wheelchairs tend to be decorated like a NASCAR car. Imagine if I walked around with Dockers covered in bumper stickers? First of all, they would chafe. Second, I would get laughed out of the many fine establishments I frequent (Show World, Frank's Chicken House, PETA meeting).
5. ( Tards talk cool) So I was drinking quite heavily this month, and I noticed how the slurring and drooling that invaded my speech made it EASIER to get people to leave me alone. I know, sometimes you want company, but sometimes you just want to wallow in your own misery. Tards talk with such a sincere slur, us common folk have trouble talking to them without flinching, laughing, or crying. I want to slur ALL THE TIME!! You know how expensive it is for me to talk like that 24/7?
4. (Tards can wear helmets EVERYWHERE) I was walking the strip last week, and a beer bottle flew came flying by my rather large nose, missing my head by inches. I was stunned!! I know I am going to end up in a coma sometime in my ife, but I don't want it comingfrom a beer bottle related concussion. Retards NEVER worry about concussions!! They have helmets on wherever they go. Hell, I went to a sleepover last week (don't ask) and the resident tard at the party wore his helmet to bed!! I guess he thought the Dream Police were going to come in his sleep and go all Abner Louima on his ass.
3. ( Wheelchair people have the best view of boobies) I am 6ft 4. When I walk the streets looking at girls, I have to leer downward. It's OBVIOUS when I am looking at boobies. This can be documented in my 3 arrests for public indecency. Cripples just look straight ahead, staring at the orbs of lust as if they don't have a care in the world. Midgets have this advantage as well, but I don't want to be one of them. I'll explain that another day.
2. ( They have cool role models) Corky from "Life Goes On" is one of the coolest people ever. Guy got to nail a hot tard chick, become an inspiration for all tard kids eveywhere, and STILLl gets stopped on the street by people asking for autographs 20 years after his last gig. Us normal folk have Lindsey Lohan. She ACTS like a retard and she get a prison sentence. Just proves that not only can Lindsey not act, but her nostrils must by lined with half of Columbia.
1. (Cripples save money) This brings me back to the $60,000 car situation. When I was pondering what cripples do to get money for such expensive cars, it dawned on me.....the ONLY HAVE TO OWN ONE PAIR OF SNEAKERS THEIR ENTIRE LIVES!! I mean, in my 35 years on this planet, I have gone through probably 100 pairs of sneakers and another 50 pairs of shoes. That would come to about $15,000 spent on footwear alone. Throw in socks, shoeshines, and resoleing, and I could have bought a Mercedes by now.
The moral of this story kids is that the next time you see a tard or cripple, don't feel bad, feel jealous. Don't see them as disadvantaged, see them as the boobie leering, crisp pant wearing, helmet wearing folk they are. I promise you, when they see us, they just keep smiling...and drooling along.
10.( People in wheelchairs NEVER have to iron their pants) I know the common man may spend 5 minutes a day ironing. Well muliply that over a year and you have an extra 30 hours of free time!! You know how much more porn I can download in that time!! Plus in a wheelchair, I don't have to worry about finding a place to sit down to downoad said porn.
9. (Special Olympics ROCK) Every 4 years we have to suffer through the boredom of curling, water polo, synchronized swimming, and Russians jacked on roids. The Special Olympics are actually FUN!! When they fall down, they get right the back F**K up!!!Last years event, I saw one tard hit the pavement at such a velocity his retainer flew out of his mouth and landed in a nearby bush. The kid got up, dusted off his sagging jogging shorts, and went back to Olympic business as if just got out of his racecar bed for the morning!! One thing about those athletes is they have an AMAZING tolerancy for pain!! You ever punch a cripple or slow person? I have and let me tell you, they feel NOTHING!! They are more tolerant of pain than anyone that has dated Jessca Simpson for more than a month!!
8. (Retards and Cripples RULE the dance floor) You may be thinking "Chris, cripples don't dance." you can't be more wrong. The cripples with the crutches and the ones in the chairs not only dance with a ferocity matched only by Ivan Drago in Rocky 4, but they OWN it out there!! You ever try to cut in on a cripple dancing? NEGATIVE!! You ever see a cripple dancing alone? NEVER!! They have their own freaking posse when they dance. Every time a cripple or tard hits the dance floor it becomes a dancing montage from an 80's teen movie!! If I ever have kids, I want them to take a cripple or tard to the prom. They will have memories that will last a lifetime.
7. (They have the best bathrooms) So I was relieving myself at a "Jack In The Box" last week after 5 burgers and I realized that the bathroom stall was the size of a NYC studio. As I was doing the doo, my kness were literally against my nipples, I had such little room. Some cripple next to me in the handicap stall was reading the paper, playing Wi, and watching a Michael Vick sanctioned dogfight in his. Dude, REALLY? Just cause I have feeling in both my legs, I need to lose them when I am taking a dump?!
6.( They have cool bumper stickers and flags on their "legs") Cripples wheelchairs tend to be decorated like a NASCAR car. Imagine if I walked around with Dockers covered in bumper stickers? First of all, they would chafe. Second, I would get laughed out of the many fine establishments I frequent (Show World, Frank's Chicken House, PETA meeting).
5. ( Tards talk cool) So I was drinking quite heavily this month, and I noticed how the slurring and drooling that invaded my speech made it EASIER to get people to leave me alone. I know, sometimes you want company, but sometimes you just want to wallow in your own misery. Tards talk with such a sincere slur, us common folk have trouble talking to them without flinching, laughing, or crying. I want to slur ALL THE TIME!! You know how expensive it is for me to talk like that 24/7?
4. (Tards can wear helmets EVERYWHERE) I was walking the strip last week, and a beer bottle flew came flying by my rather large nose, missing my head by inches. I was stunned!! I know I am going to end up in a coma sometime in my ife, but I don't want it comingfrom a beer bottle related concussion. Retards NEVER worry about concussions!! They have helmets on wherever they go. Hell, I went to a sleepover last week (don't ask) and the resident tard at the party wore his helmet to bed!! I guess he thought the Dream Police were going to come in his sleep and go all Abner Louima on his ass.
3. ( Wheelchair people have the best view of boobies) I am 6ft 4. When I walk the streets looking at girls, I have to leer downward. It's OBVIOUS when I am looking at boobies. This can be documented in my 3 arrests for public indecency. Cripples just look straight ahead, staring at the orbs of lust as if they don't have a care in the world. Midgets have this advantage as well, but I don't want to be one of them. I'll explain that another day.
2. ( They have cool role models) Corky from "Life Goes On" is one of the coolest people ever. Guy got to nail a hot tard chick, become an inspiration for all tard kids eveywhere, and STILLl gets stopped on the street by people asking for autographs 20 years after his last gig. Us normal folk have Lindsey Lohan. She ACTS like a retard and she get a prison sentence. Just proves that not only can Lindsey not act, but her nostrils must by lined with half of Columbia.
1. (Cripples save money) This brings me back to the $60,000 car situation. When I was pondering what cripples do to get money for such expensive cars, it dawned on me.....the ONLY HAVE TO OWN ONE PAIR OF SNEAKERS THEIR ENTIRE LIVES!! I mean, in my 35 years on this planet, I have gone through probably 100 pairs of sneakers and another 50 pairs of shoes. That would come to about $15,000 spent on footwear alone. Throw in socks, shoeshines, and resoleing, and I could have bought a Mercedes by now.
The moral of this story kids is that the next time you see a tard or cripple, don't feel bad, feel jealous. Don't see them as disadvantaged, see them as the boobie leering, crisp pant wearing, helmet wearing folk they are. I promise you, when they see us, they just keep smiling...and drooling along.
