gregm
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Road-Kill Squirrel Remembered As Frantic, Indecisive
Miller Brewing Company Pressures Area Man To Drink Responsibly
Milburn asks Helvinski if he's positive he wants another beer.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/miller-brewing-company-pressures-area-man-to-drink,1754/
CHEYENNE, WYThe Milwaukee, WI-based Miller Brewing Company, well-known for extolling the responsible enjoyment of alcoholic beverages, has been calling, writing, and visiting Kevin Helvinski to encourage him to think before he drinks.
"Miller has made responsible consumption of alcohol for those of legal drinking age one of our primary advertising messages," Miller representative Daryl Milburn said. "We are concerned, however, that Kevin Helvinski of 21 Post St. has not been paying attention to our friendly magazine ads, TV commercials, and point-of-purchase pamphlets."
Metal Council Convenes To Discuss 'Metal Hand Sign' Abuse
http://www.theonion.com/articles/metal-council-convenes-to-discuss-metal-hand-sign,1832/?ref=auto
VATNAJKULL GLACIER, ICELANDIn an emergency session Tuesday, members of the Supreme Metal Council strongly condemned the increasing use of the metal hand sign in lay society, claiming that its meaning has become perverted by overuse.
Elders of the Supreme Metal Council examine amateur-video evidence of what they are calling "a worrisome trend."
"The metal sign, or 'sign of the goat,' has all but lost its impact as a token of respectful recognition for something truly 'rocking' or 'metal,'" SMC president Terence "Geezer" Butler said. According to Butler, members are upset that their sacred gesture is being used to acknowledge and celebrate "favorable but clearly non-metal events."
"We have all heard the reports of people using it to greet their in-laws, or after starting their lawn mowers with a single pull," Butler said. "But recently it was brought to our attention that someone used the gesture in a Texas convenience store after snagging the last box of carrot cakes. This simply won't do."
Loved Ones Recall Local Man's Cowardly Battle With Cancer
http://www.theonion.com/articles/loved-ones-recall-local-mans-cowardly-battle-with,772/
"On Jan. 26, just four days after visiting the doctor for what he thought was severe indigestion or maybe an ulcer, Russ Kunkel got the dreaded news: A malignant, fist-sized tumor had metastasized between his stomach and liver. It was cancer.
Right then and there, faced with the prospect of a life-threatening disease, the 34-year-old Florissant, MO, husband and father of three drew a deep breath and made a firm resolution to himself: I am not going to fight this. I am a dead man.
On Feb. 20, less than a month after he was first diagnosed, Kunkel died following a brief, cowardly battle with stomach cancer.
"Most people, when they find out they've got something terrible like this, dig deep down inside and tap into some tremendous well of courage and strength they never knew they had," said Judith Kunkel, Russ' wife of 11 years. "Not Russ. The moment he found out he had cancer, he curled up into a fetal ball and sobbed uncontrollably for three straight weeks."
Said Judith: "I can still remember Russ' last words: 'Oh, GodI'm going to die! Why, God, why? Why me? Why not someone else?'"
According to Russ' personal physician, Dr. James Wohlpert, the type of cancer Russ had generally takes at least four months to advance to the terminal stage. But because of what he described as a "remarkable lack of fighting spirit," the disease consumed him in less than one.
"It's rare that you see someone give up that quickly and completely," Wohlpert said. "Cancer is a powerful disease, but most people can at the very least delay the spread of it by maintaining a positive outlook and mental attitude. This, however, was not the case with Russ."
Russ' friends and acquaintances saw that same lack of fighting spirit.
"Russ did not go quietly, that's for sure," said longtime friend Bobby Dwyer. "He did a tremendous amount of screaming."
"During the three days he spent at work before the pain got too bad, I saw a very different Russ," said Arnold Tolliver, a co-worker at the Florissant electronics store where Russ had been employed for the past six years. "He was always telling the customers how tragic it was that he wouldn't outlive his kids, reminding me that every day is a gift cruelly torn from his fingers, and grabbing somebody, anybody, by the shirt and screaming into their face that he didn't want to die."
In those final days, like so many who realize their day of reckoning is near, Russ Kunkel turned to a higher power. "Russ came to me in his time of need," said Pastor Charles Bourne of Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church. "But when I tried to comfort him by saying he would be with God soon, he only stopped bawling long enough to say, 'Fuck God. There is no God.' I had to get a couple acolytes to help me pry him out from underneath the pews."
Area Man Confounded By Buffet Procedure
Erie, PA, eater Don Turnbee.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/area-man-confounded-by-buffet-procedure,1609/
ERIE, PAArea resident Don Turnbee was "completely bewildered" by standard buffet protocol at the East Frontage Road Ponderosa Steakhouse, sources close to the 37-year-old eater reported Tuesday.
Turnbee, who ordinarily relies on Burger King, McDonald's and other fast-food establishments for his nutritional-intake needs, was confused by procedures regarding Ponderosa's "$6.99 Grand Dinner Buffet." Among his uncertainties: when to pay for the meal, which food items he had unlimited access to, whether soft-drink refills were free, and whether to move around the various serving stations in a clockwise or counterclockwise direction.
"There was a lot of different stuff you had to know," Turnbee said. "I wasn't sure if I was doing it right."
Staples Brings On Extra Staff To Sit Around And Do Nothing For Busy Back-To-School Season
http://www.theonion.com/articles/staples-brings-on-extra-staff-to-sit-around-and-do,18006/
250-Pound Man Sadly In Best Shape Of His Life
http://www.theonion.com/articles/250pound-man-sadly-in-best-shape-of-his-life,33874/?ref=auto
depression hits losers hardest
http://www.theonion.com/articles/study-depression-hits-losers-hardest,924/
Alternate-Universe James Hetfield Named Taco Bell Employee Of The Month
http://www.theonion.com/articles/alternateuniverse-james-hetfield-named-taco-bell-e,740/?ref=auto
Winner Didn't Even Know It Was Pie-Eating Contest
point/counterpoint my computer totally hates me
http://www.theonion.com/articles/my-computer-totally-hates-me-vs-god-do-i-hate-that,11538/
My Computer Totally Hates Me!
God, Do I Hate That Bitch
By Dell Dimension 4100
the reclining squirrel stance lol
My Reclining Squirrel Kung Fu Stance Is Eminently Defeatable
http://www.theonion.com/articles/my-reclining-squirrel-kung-fu-stance-is-eminently,11120/
Dare you face me? I should think so! Even the most craven cowards of our land shake with laughter at my challenge. The most feeble and infirm peasants shrug with indifference when I pass. Far and wide, my name is known, and no men feel the slightest quaver of fear when they look upon me! For I am the legendary Quaking Rodent, and my Reclining Squirrel stance is eminently defeatable!
Do not stand there looking at your shoes! Prepare to humiliate me! Face me with honor and make ready for the battle that you will win.
I will disgust you as I beg for mercy!
I have journeyed for almost a day, detouring several miles to avoid the frighteningly high bridge over the Yue Jiang river, so that I might challenge the one man in all of China who any girl-child could conquer! The elders told me there was no one worse at kung fu than you. "Ha!" I laughed in their faces. "My technique is infinitely inferior to any he may have learned!" After I apologized and begged the elders for their mercy, I made a vow. "I shall find this man you speak of, wherever he is napping. And, on the day I find him, I will be beaten to a bloody pulp!" Now I stand before you, and we will see who holds the title of Worst Kung Fu Master.
I am down here on the floor, coward! Prepare to beat me! All shall conquer practitioners of the notoriously ineffective Reclining Squirrel stance! You will destroy me!
Many years have I studied in anticipation of this day, laboring under the gentle tutelage of ancient master Breaking Reed, who taught me the Contemptible Way of the Reclining Squirrel. It was said of Breaking Reed that none had ever lost to him, so well trained was he in the arts of the squirrel stance. He remains to this day the only man I have ever defeated in battle. Yes, you heard me correctlyI killed my master! And on this day, you shall annihilate me and avenge his death.
Your superior kung fu shall wreak devastation upon my famous Squirrel-Covering-Nuts maneuver! Your fists will easily overcome my pathetic Skittering-To-Other-Side-Of-Tree defense! I will shatter in the face of your attack as I deploy the Blank-Staring-Face move! No matter how useless your technique, you shall be victorious. The Reclining Squirrel stance can only be defeated!
And, as you stand over me on the field of victory, my master Breaking Reed shall look down from the heavens and laugh with derision at my total annihilation at your hands! Ha ha ha ha, he will laugh!
My death is certain! Face your destiny and break me apart like a clod of dirt!
Nothing cannot defeat Quaking Rodent! The Slightly Twitching-Tail attack leaves no mark! The Relaxing-On-Branch kick has never caused my opponents the slightest bit of damage! And if that's not enough, then you will finish me with my signature move, the one it took me years to hone to perfection: The Bloated-With-Acorns-And-Too-Sleepy-To-Move defense!
Quit your sniveling! I have cowered in fear before hundreds of warriors. You have come face to face with the one man in all of China weaker, dumber, and lazier than yourself! Prepare for battle, Stunted Duckling! For you will live to see the sun rise tomorrow
Packers Fan Announces He Will Return To Drinking For Another Season
Miller Brewing Company Pressures Area Man To Drink Responsibly
Milburn asks Helvinski if he's positive he wants another beer.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/miller-brewing-company-pressures-area-man-to-drink,1754/
CHEYENNE, WYThe Milwaukee, WI-based Miller Brewing Company, well-known for extolling the responsible enjoyment of alcoholic beverages, has been calling, writing, and visiting Kevin Helvinski to encourage him to think before he drinks.
"Miller has made responsible consumption of alcohol for those of legal drinking age one of our primary advertising messages," Miller representative Daryl Milburn said. "We are concerned, however, that Kevin Helvinski of 21 Post St. has not been paying attention to our friendly magazine ads, TV commercials, and point-of-purchase pamphlets."
Metal Council Convenes To Discuss 'Metal Hand Sign' Abuse
http://www.theonion.com/articles/metal-council-convenes-to-discuss-metal-hand-sign,1832/?ref=auto
VATNAJKULL GLACIER, ICELANDIn an emergency session Tuesday, members of the Supreme Metal Council strongly condemned the increasing use of the metal hand sign in lay society, claiming that its meaning has become perverted by overuse.
Elders of the Supreme Metal Council examine amateur-video evidence of what they are calling "a worrisome trend."
"The metal sign, or 'sign of the goat,' has all but lost its impact as a token of respectful recognition for something truly 'rocking' or 'metal,'" SMC president Terence "Geezer" Butler said. According to Butler, members are upset that their sacred gesture is being used to acknowledge and celebrate "favorable but clearly non-metal events."
"We have all heard the reports of people using it to greet their in-laws, or after starting their lawn mowers with a single pull," Butler said. "But recently it was brought to our attention that someone used the gesture in a Texas convenience store after snagging the last box of carrot cakes. This simply won't do."
Loved Ones Recall Local Man's Cowardly Battle With Cancer
http://www.theonion.com/articles/loved-ones-recall-local-mans-cowardly-battle-with,772/
"On Jan. 26, just four days after visiting the doctor for what he thought was severe indigestion or maybe an ulcer, Russ Kunkel got the dreaded news: A malignant, fist-sized tumor had metastasized between his stomach and liver. It was cancer.
Right then and there, faced with the prospect of a life-threatening disease, the 34-year-old Florissant, MO, husband and father of three drew a deep breath and made a firm resolution to himself: I am not going to fight this. I am a dead man.
On Feb. 20, less than a month after he was first diagnosed, Kunkel died following a brief, cowardly battle with stomach cancer.
"Most people, when they find out they've got something terrible like this, dig deep down inside and tap into some tremendous well of courage and strength they never knew they had," said Judith Kunkel, Russ' wife of 11 years. "Not Russ. The moment he found out he had cancer, he curled up into a fetal ball and sobbed uncontrollably for three straight weeks."
Said Judith: "I can still remember Russ' last words: 'Oh, GodI'm going to die! Why, God, why? Why me? Why not someone else?'"
According to Russ' personal physician, Dr. James Wohlpert, the type of cancer Russ had generally takes at least four months to advance to the terminal stage. But because of what he described as a "remarkable lack of fighting spirit," the disease consumed him in less than one.
"It's rare that you see someone give up that quickly and completely," Wohlpert said. "Cancer is a powerful disease, but most people can at the very least delay the spread of it by maintaining a positive outlook and mental attitude. This, however, was not the case with Russ."
Russ' friends and acquaintances saw that same lack of fighting spirit.
"Russ did not go quietly, that's for sure," said longtime friend Bobby Dwyer. "He did a tremendous amount of screaming."
"During the three days he spent at work before the pain got too bad, I saw a very different Russ," said Arnold Tolliver, a co-worker at the Florissant electronics store where Russ had been employed for the past six years. "He was always telling the customers how tragic it was that he wouldn't outlive his kids, reminding me that every day is a gift cruelly torn from his fingers, and grabbing somebody, anybody, by the shirt and screaming into their face that he didn't want to die."
In those final days, like so many who realize their day of reckoning is near, Russ Kunkel turned to a higher power. "Russ came to me in his time of need," said Pastor Charles Bourne of Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church. "But when I tried to comfort him by saying he would be with God soon, he only stopped bawling long enough to say, 'Fuck God. There is no God.' I had to get a couple acolytes to help me pry him out from underneath the pews."
Area Man Confounded By Buffet Procedure
Erie, PA, eater Don Turnbee.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/area-man-confounded-by-buffet-procedure,1609/
ERIE, PAArea resident Don Turnbee was "completely bewildered" by standard buffet protocol at the East Frontage Road Ponderosa Steakhouse, sources close to the 37-year-old eater reported Tuesday.
Turnbee, who ordinarily relies on Burger King, McDonald's and other fast-food establishments for his nutritional-intake needs, was confused by procedures regarding Ponderosa's "$6.99 Grand Dinner Buffet." Among his uncertainties: when to pay for the meal, which food items he had unlimited access to, whether soft-drink refills were free, and whether to move around the various serving stations in a clockwise or counterclockwise direction.
"There was a lot of different stuff you had to know," Turnbee said. "I wasn't sure if I was doing it right."
Staples Brings On Extra Staff To Sit Around And Do Nothing For Busy Back-To-School Season
http://www.theonion.com/articles/staples-brings-on-extra-staff-to-sit-around-and-do,18006/
250-Pound Man Sadly In Best Shape Of His Life
http://www.theonion.com/articles/250pound-man-sadly-in-best-shape-of-his-life,33874/?ref=auto
depression hits losers hardest
http://www.theonion.com/articles/study-depression-hits-losers-hardest,924/
Alternate-Universe James Hetfield Named Taco Bell Employee Of The Month
http://www.theonion.com/articles/alternateuniverse-james-hetfield-named-taco-bell-e,740/?ref=auto
Winner Didn't Even Know It Was Pie-Eating Contest
point/counterpoint my computer totally hates me
http://www.theonion.com/articles/my-computer-totally-hates-me-vs-god-do-i-hate-that,11538/
My Computer Totally Hates Me!
God, Do I Hate That Bitch
By Dell Dimension 4100
the reclining squirrel stance lol
My Reclining Squirrel Kung Fu Stance Is Eminently Defeatable
http://www.theonion.com/articles/my-reclining-squirrel-kung-fu-stance-is-eminently,11120/
Dare you face me? I should think so! Even the most craven cowards of our land shake with laughter at my challenge. The most feeble and infirm peasants shrug with indifference when I pass. Far and wide, my name is known, and no men feel the slightest quaver of fear when they look upon me! For I am the legendary Quaking Rodent, and my Reclining Squirrel stance is eminently defeatable!
Do not stand there looking at your shoes! Prepare to humiliate me! Face me with honor and make ready for the battle that you will win.
I will disgust you as I beg for mercy!
I have journeyed for almost a day, detouring several miles to avoid the frighteningly high bridge over the Yue Jiang river, so that I might challenge the one man in all of China who any girl-child could conquer! The elders told me there was no one worse at kung fu than you. "Ha!" I laughed in their faces. "My technique is infinitely inferior to any he may have learned!" After I apologized and begged the elders for their mercy, I made a vow. "I shall find this man you speak of, wherever he is napping. And, on the day I find him, I will be beaten to a bloody pulp!" Now I stand before you, and we will see who holds the title of Worst Kung Fu Master.
I am down here on the floor, coward! Prepare to beat me! All shall conquer practitioners of the notoriously ineffective Reclining Squirrel stance! You will destroy me!
Many years have I studied in anticipation of this day, laboring under the gentle tutelage of ancient master Breaking Reed, who taught me the Contemptible Way of the Reclining Squirrel. It was said of Breaking Reed that none had ever lost to him, so well trained was he in the arts of the squirrel stance. He remains to this day the only man I have ever defeated in battle. Yes, you heard me correctlyI killed my master! And on this day, you shall annihilate me and avenge his death.
Your superior kung fu shall wreak devastation upon my famous Squirrel-Covering-Nuts maneuver! Your fists will easily overcome my pathetic Skittering-To-Other-Side-Of-Tree defense! I will shatter in the face of your attack as I deploy the Blank-Staring-Face move! No matter how useless your technique, you shall be victorious. The Reclining Squirrel stance can only be defeated!
And, as you stand over me on the field of victory, my master Breaking Reed shall look down from the heavens and laugh with derision at my total annihilation at your hands! Ha ha ha ha, he will laugh!
My death is certain! Face your destiny and break me apart like a clod of dirt!
Nothing cannot defeat Quaking Rodent! The Slightly Twitching-Tail attack leaves no mark! The Relaxing-On-Branch kick has never caused my opponents the slightest bit of damage! And if that's not enough, then you will finish me with my signature move, the one it took me years to hone to perfection: The Bloated-With-Acorns-And-Too-Sleepy-To-Move defense!
Quit your sniveling! I have cowered in fear before hundreds of warriors. You have come face to face with the one man in all of China weaker, dumber, and lazier than yourself! Prepare for battle, Stunted Duckling! For you will live to see the sun rise tomorrow
Packers Fan Announces He Will Return To Drinking For Another Season
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